The Eldredge Not

Gold Tie

Gold Tie. Ohhh, You’re SO Smug. Just Lying There.

I bought this gold tie that I plan on “using” at my book signing next month. “Using,” as in “employing” a complicated “Eldredge Knot.” One of the characters, Émile, in my novel, Voice, wore the knot.

Damn him.

This is my journey.

Day 1

Performed unmentionable sacrifice to The Tie Gods. Soul will knot in Hell.

I unwrapped the tie. Bought it special. Amazon dot com.

Researched best Internet video. Watched it twice. Tried knot. Failed miserably. Sprained wrist.

Found other things to do…like Facebook, Twitter…yard work. Took a hike.

Day 2

Surfed the Internet. Checked e-mail. Avoided…The Knot.

Took a walk.

Carbo loaded. Iced sprained wrist.

Day 3

What?! This is really day 3?! Crap.

Better carbo load again….

Days 4 – 12…

Okay, so I finally (again) carbo loaded, hydrated (always, always hydrate!), and manned up.

Set a date.

Pre-dialed 9-1-1. Had first-aid kit handy.

I will do this.

Today.

Wife’s gone on a business trip. Must have no witnesses.

I removed the innocuous looking tie from its wrapper. Put on my BRIGHT royal blue shirt (it doesn’t come across in this pictures, but it’s ROYAL blue…like, really, really royal blue). I found that best video out there and began my sojourn.

The Eldredge Knot.

Yes…the famed, complicated, yea mythical knot.

Not for the timid.

I began.

This is the unsuspecting neck.

The Uninitiated, Oh-So-Naïve Neck.

The Uninitiated, Oh-So-Naïve Neck.

I watched the video.

Took the tie in both hands.

My hands trembled. I steadied them.

I began.

I flipped it.

I wrapped it.

I pulled it through.

I tightened that bad boy.

The Eldredge Not.

The Eldredge Not.

Uh, yeaaah. Knot exactly what I was expecting. Great. Now I pulled the other wrist.

I undid everything.

Took a moment (or 15) to get my head together. Shook it off. Iced the wrist.

I went back in.

Okay, I hit the paused selection on the video twice as many times this time…hydrated some more during the action…and

I flipped it.

Wrapped it.

Pulled it through.

Tightened it.

The Eldredge Garlic Press.

The Eldredge Garlic Press.

Dang it!

How th—

Hey, I’d been looking for that garlic press for two years!

Okay, fine.

Take a breath.

I can do this.

It’s just a knot. A knot.

Made of material.

Puts its pants on like everyone else.

The guy on the video says it’s not all the hard (really). If he can do…I can.

I extricated the garlic press from the folds…undid the tie.

Stared at it.

Wrung out my hands…yes, they were still a little sore…the wrists, tender…but I’d have to muscle through the pain. I work out. Focus. Forced reps.

I can do this.

I drank four coffees, five iced teas, and downed three handfuls of acai berries. Dipped in dark chocolate.

Breathe.

Breathe!

I went in.

This was it folks.

There would be no going back.

It was me…or the knot.

There would be no prisoners.

I flipped it.

I wrapped it.

I twisted it.

Pulled it through.

Tightennned it until my hands trembled.

Then I opened my eyes (that really helps, I found).

The Eldredge Knot.

The Eldredge Knot.

I cried!

It wasn’t perfect…but I’d done it.

I’d conquered Everest. I mean Eldredge.

I collapsed.

**********************

My wife found me two days later, having returned from her trip. I was dehydrated, delirious, 30-pounds lighter, my neck bruised…but I was none-the-worse-for-wear.

It took several sessions of intense Rolfing before I could recall anything.

The tie.

The…the Eldredge Knot.

I had been there and back.

Lived to talk about it.

And I’m never taking it off.

But, it is October.

Try it…if you dare. You will never be the same.

 

 

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About fpdorchak

Paranormal fiction author.
This entry was posted in Comedy, Leisure, To Be Human, Writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to The Eldredge Not

  1. Wendy Brydge says:

    Lol! My hat’s off to you, Frank. Very nice job! *applauds*

  2. I get the impression that ‘Emile’ is a bit of a jerk who wears the Eldredge just because he can. Anyone can buy a Lange and Sohne, but only a select few can tie “the knot.”

  3. That was hilarious! I wondered if by the end you’d decide to leave it on for at least a year since you didn’t want to undo it and ever have to do it again. 🙂

  4. Paul says:

    Ha! Well, Frank, if you’re fit to be tied, better literally (over an Eldredge knot) than figuratively (because you’ve been shafted again by the indie publishing process). Way to stick with it, my friend!

  5. Pingback: MileHiCon47, a Knot, and a Head | Runnin Off at the Mouth....

  6. Pingback: Some Books, Cats, and a Gift | Runnin Off at the Mouth....

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