Even though I’ve been fighting with this decision the past two years, my agent made the decision easier for me today: she had to drop my manuscript (ms) with her. She’s sent it to all of the legit houses, even their imprints, and though many haven’t responded back, that’s the hint: no interest. As for my Work in Progress (WIP), she’s passing on that, too. If she can’t seem to sell [all] my [other] work, why would she take on still more of it? I write Out of The Box, and that’s not what Big Publishing wants. End of story. I don’t blame her in the least. It’s a business decision, and I was “this close” to pulling it from her, now, anyway! If she hadn’t placed it this year, I was going to pull it from her. We were on the same page.
So, I’m going into HOBBY status. The IRS calls it “Hobby Loss.”
I don’t even know if I’ll write any of it off, to tell you the truth. I’m just tired of it all. Banging my head against the same, unyielding wall. Unless a miracle happens, I’m terminating a desire to make money off this business. If I can get around to working on a piece, I’ll work on it, but a lifetime of intentionally carving out alone time with no returns is exhausting and taxes relationships and my sense of optimism. Energy. My wife has been more than a good sport during all this, but I’ve got nothing left. Life has continued to give me hints that I’ve continually ignored. I used to believe the old adages that persistence pays off, but no longer believe that. I’ve been doing this since I was six years old. I’m 63. The arithmetic is 57 years.
Enough is enough.
Not saying I’m giving up writing in toto, just that, giving up on the dream of global readership of my work. I’ll put out a self-published book WHEN I DO, and that’ll be that. No fanfare. No Big Publishing schedules of Does and Don’ts.
Just a book.
If I do. You can count on at least one more book from me, because of my current WIP, but after that I don’t promise anything.
To be honest, yes I’m a little hurt, even insulted by the Publishing industry. My work is every bit as good or bad as every other book out there, and to have been so overlooked for other stories that are trite, generic, or downright dumb, is insulting. My writing is intelligent. Has depth. To read some of the actual words editors used in rejections is insulting. The editorial arrogance I get from some of these “young kids”…well, there’s a lot I could say, but I just hope that the Zen “turnabout is fair play” swings into action, once they get along in life. I thought I could pile-drive through it all out, but I’m tired.
No more agents.
No more publishers.
If one comes to me, fine, I’ll listen (you better have a better-than-average, mind-blowing deal), but I’m not going to them. I’ll take my 5 1/2 fans and move on.
Thank you to all who actually took the time and effort to read my work and either wrote reviews, passed my work on to others, or talked it up. Just reading it is fine. I’m an acquired taste. A rarified one. And I’m proud of it. I’ve always written my work in a way to make others THINK. Apparently that’s in short supply these days.
As to continuing to post here?
Not sure. I only created this blog for my writing. We’ll just have to wait and see if I have anything worth saying. But thanks to all of my followers on this and my other blog site (which I may devote more time to)! In any event I need to go lick my wounds and regroup.
To the one musician who once asked me what was so wrong in just writing for myself?
Well, musician, how would you feel in just playing to yourself?
Runnin Off at the Mouth.... 
I can’t blame you for your decision, and I’m glad you will be putting out at least one more book. As for the blog, just because it was created as an arm of your writing and publishing strategy, that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way and die. The term comes from a portmanteau of “web” and “log,” implying a journalistic nature. It doesn’t just have to be about writing. It can be about anything.
As for the musician part? I play music to/for myself all the time. The pieces I work on for my own enjoyment are the kinds of things that won’t fly in a normal performance setting, but they have special meaning to me, like the instrumental I wrote in honor of my brother before he passed, or the Rush medley (invariably full of mistakes, because Rush is HARD) that no one in their right mind would sit through (except me, apparently.)
So you would be totally good to never play music to an audience? Ever?
The first twenty years I played guitar, that’s the way it was, and it actually took me a long time to get used to playing for an audience. I still get nervous and fumble on stage, and that sucks. It’s embarrassing. So if something happened where I couldn’t play publicly anymore, and could only play for myself, it would be a reduction in stress, in some ways. But it also wouldn’t drive me to learn new things.
But you did feel an inherent pull to perform [before an audience], regardless of the stage fright? Everyone gets stage fright to some degree. My point is that if you have an ability like being an artist of any kind, part and parcel to that is SHARING that ability. It’s not an egoistical thing. It’s like being in love—there is an innate drive to share that love with others. Whether or not you do, for reasons of whatever, but my point is, yeah, just doing something for yourself is enriching, blah x 3, but there’s also the other part of sharing one’s music or writing or painting with others. There’s something psychic about it. Just because there are those that do do it just for themselves, I can’t believe that is the norm to only keep something like that to ourselves. Of course artists do what they do for themselves FIRST, the fun of it, the joy, but there’s also the drive to SHARE…and when that is (also) truncated, it can affect the artist.
I believe there are musicians who only play for themselves, and I suspect they are the ones that ultimately become the biggest hits because of unhidden sincerity.. think of Tracy Chapman. I don’t think she started her writing as a public endeavor… sometimes people are accidently discovered… writers based on topic perhaps. Good to put your energy where you are fulfilled. If not writing, so be it. We are getting too old to do things that don’t make us feel great/fulfilled.
You see, and there’s another data point: two people have already called me out on something I thought a truism: that musicians needed audiences. So, perhaps, my work really isn’t as decent as I thought it was. Maybe THAT is the truism. That could very well be the case as I’d mentioned before, elsewhere. If that is true…I have my answer and I do need to move on.
Actually my point was that sometimes what you think of as only for yourself (or frustratingly seems that way) it gets discovered and voila… others listen and appreciate. Many artists don’t get discovered early in their careers. You have many years left and a large body of work out there. You never know…
Well, Karen, there is certainly nothing “early” about my [so-called] career, but of course. As to many years left regarding writing, I really don’t want to continue on the path I’ve already traveled and lived. Everything happens for a reason, we don’t always realize those reasons, but I’m tired of the whole fricken process. I’m tired of jaded editors, oligarchical decision making involving pure spreadsheet-driven analytics and metrics, and demographics largely catering to the lowest hanging (and quicker rotting fruit. “Merit” means shit. Yes, there is some incredible literature out there, and whether or not mine is in that category seems to have already been determined by a lifetime of rejection. I’m not Sad Sacking this or looking for sympathy, but this blog has been my optimistic journey and what happened yesterday is part of that journey. Another part of it is to analyze where I’m at and how to march forward…or take a different path. True, one never knows what the future holds, but if ever there were past metrics to indicate future performance, mine are pretty obvious. If I were an investor I would avoid my stocks like the plague.
So, I’ll finish up what I’m working on and again self publish these two manuscripts. And I’ll retire my aspirations of being a professional author into a hobby. Apparently I need more time performing scales with my violin anyway! But, no, I no longer believe in “being discovered,” which is kissing cousins to “persistence.” I’ve had nearly 60 years for that to happen, and Life, though it ain’t over til it’s over, has given me pretty loud and clear hints. Thanks, though.
Wise to think of it as another part of the journey. That is certainly always the case, right? My sales certainly don’t offer optimism, though I have told my family’s stories — esp for Wen’s family — so I write on. But as I judge my career, I focus more on teaching and freelance editing where, if I look at it with proud eyes, I have had a hand in putting very successful words out there. I don’t have an instrument, but I have my plants to nurture and my meals to cook. I believe creativity always finds a home.
Creativity ALWAYS finds a way. 🙂
I haven’t been keeping up the last few years, but I hadn’t been aware that you tried to go the traditional route.
I think self-publication is the way to go for most authors these days, just from a creativity control standpoint, but I can understand the allure of having a big house name associated with your work.
And sometimes “writing for yourself/playing for yourself” includes throwing it out there for others to read/listen to.
Oh, yes, since my 20s. Self pub seems to be the way to go these days, but if one can get in with the Big Dogs the following is always nice:
1) Advances–even if small.
2) Distribution, esp global distribution.
3) Book stores.
4) Name and reputation recognition of a Big Dog Publishing house.
5) You get PAID for them publishing your work, v. me putting out money to publish a book.
6) Sometimes Big Dog publishers get ad-hoc gigs,like interview shows, depending on how promotion and discovery falls out.
These are just a few things off the top of my head. But I do like the freedom of indie publishing. And I won’t lie, it does kinda hurt getting constantly rejected. I’ve always been confident about my abilities–not arrogant, not egotistical–just confident. But when you keep getting punched in the throat, you’re eventually gonna cough up blood. I was dismayed, not depressed, but I’m fine and back to “me” today. It is what it is. Everything happens for a reason, I believe, and I’m gonna march forward. Just not gonna “kill myself” anymore with all the record keeping of expenses, no more deductions, just making it a FUN and effortless hobby for me, because writing is fun and “easy” for me…even if it’s difficult at times–get it? 🙂
Thank for stopping by and commenting!
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